Turkey on Whole Wheat

What's the deal with school shootings? - Jerry Seinfeld

 I mean there has been a notable outbreak of school shootings and just shootings in general lately. You can't really escape it. The most obvious is not a school shooting but i think we all know about that thing that happened in florida. Then there was that one in California yesterday and that one in france.  Everytime i check my phone it seems like my ironic Fox "news" ticker has an update about guns getting fired an people getting hurt. I don't know what the "deal" is Jerry but it's definitely a deal. I'm not going to take stand because that is against my credo but maybe Michael Moore has run out of ideas and is pulling the strings orchestrating a sequel. More likely though i think people i just being pussies about stuff.  Yeah i know that last sentence made me sound like an idiot. So ill explain what i mean in an effort to substantiate my idiocy. Bullying. So much of it comes from bullying. Oh she was bullied. Oh he was bullied. Oh they were bullied. Oh they bullied that movie into an R rating and now other people want to bully it into a PG-13 rating.  I mean i'm not even that old but it seems like back in MY day (the last days anybody in history can ever say that about by the way) people got bullied and thats the way it was and gosh darn it if you didn't like it and walk your ass back home uphill both ways in the snow. Even in the movies kids that got bullied used to like get together for a poker game or something. They were at least finding other kids that got bullied and becoming friends and managing and then making more money than me later in life. Isn't that what freaks and geeks was about. Being Bullied sucks sure. Kids can be cruel as shit too. When i was growing up it seemed like any group of friends i was a part of had an inner circle and a somewhat revolving door of extras. Everynow and again someone would become the new target and get crushingly ostracized and humiliated then cut to 6th grade and they are the ring leader. I'm an army kid so i have moved around a lot so maybe i have some sort of bully bias but i have always thought that it would behoove me more to try and work my way into what ever inner sanctum of "cool" than to grab a gun. Maybe all this publicity this shit is getting is why it's happening more. Like kids are dumb, creative yeah, but they are still relying on other older people to provide them with how to react. Maybe once upon a time the demon "media" used to tell you man up now it a kid watches and is like oh people don't like me so shooting people is what people do. That New Yorker article on the Rutgers sure seemed like on dickhead kid acting like a normal dickhead kid and then some other kid doing something either unrelated or illogical in response. In conclusion my human side says all these things are tragedies. My old timer side says whatever happened to getting shitfaced in your moms basement with your two other outcast friends. I think if they made "Ham on Rye" required reading in schools kids would just be happy they aren't shitting pissing boil covered Chinaski.

Dirty Mike writes this stuff. Or most of it. He has a tendency to side with bullies. He likes remembering a day and age that he wasn't really apart of or at least only caught the tail end of. He doesn't like Huffington Post. You can follow him at @dirtymikessoup

Flip- Floppery

I have been forced out of my blog negligence only to declare how tiresome Zooey Deschanel's shtick has become. I mean take a look at this clip on Gawker. Seriously I can't tell whether she is trying to hard or not trying at all. Either way it makes me feel all vomit-y inside and I don't like that feeling unless it is from many different things that are bad for me mixing inside me to produce a good feeling in my head.

In all fairness I must confess that at one point in my life I was a Zooey fan. Not of her body of work mind you, but just her overall look. You know like edgy but not like shitty haircut gauged ears edgy. I mean she was alright in  that 500 days of summer movie I guess. I haven't flipped flopped on my taste in looks. I just don't like how if i said to someone "yeah I think that Zooey Deschanel is one fine piece of ace" they are automatically forced to jump to the conclusion that I meant that I like all her ukulele playing cutesy sing song bullshit. I Don't!

You are probably not asking yourself who is going to take her place in my list of famous people I would like if they weren't famous, or if I was famous, but not too famous because then I would obviously be churning america's sweetheart's guts on the reg. Well I don't know I have been looking but I don't want to make any hasty decisions and go through this emotional anguish all over again anytime in the near future. I thought about aubrey plaza but she just doesn't really have "it" so I guess i'm still looking. When I find someone you'll know. In the meantime I am going to get back on track as far as posting goes.

Dirty Mike writes most everything on here. He usually does so poorly. He likes to think that he has something to say thats worth listening to and just generally bad jokes. He doesn't like dealing with pushy homeless people. You can follow his many, many shitty jokes on twitter @dirtymikessoup

The most-est interesting man in the world

In lieu of anything truly remarkable to talk about other than Sacha Baron Cohen posing as that Rutgers kid and Santorum waging war on mens erections I thought i would provide here a a rapport between me and one time friend and two time contributor @ASAPRossy that occurred today. The series of jokes back and forth are in the same vein as chuck norris or dos equis guy jokes but revolve around his shitty brother Nate. Nate is an exceptional pain in the ass, known to exist solely to drink Busch beer on the couch all day long and know everything about everything. Here it is

Dirty Mike: Nate has never had a learning experience because he already knows everything there is to know

Asap Ross: He didn't become an astronaut because HE ALREADY KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT THE FUCKING MOON

Dirty Mike: HE HAS NEVER WATCHED GOODWILL HUNTING BECAUSE IT WAS ORIGINALLY TITLED NATE WILL HUNT ED

(editors note: Ed is the name of nates dog that he once infamously hit with a rock from an impossible distance)

Dirty Mike: It's not an oil crisis, it's just something Nate hasn't had enough beers to fix yet

ASAP Ross:  Nate's enemies list him as an emergency contact

ASAP Ross:  Nate quit phsycology after he became the first person to ace a Rorschach test

Dirty Mike: If you give nate lemons goddammit he's going to make Busch out of them

ASAP Ross: He was abducted by aliens once so they could learn his technology

ASAP Ross: Nate planted the idea of Inception in Christopher Nolan's mind, while he was sleeping

Dirty Mike:m When Morpheus offered Nate the red or blue pill i'll be damned if he didn't smoke both of              them right there and wash it down with a cold one

ASAP Ross: He doesn't get wet, water gets nate

Dirty Mike: Nate once offered to do a girl a favor by letting her give him a hand job but then thought better of it because he didn't want to waste his cum

Dirty Mike: Nate Re-reduces, Re- reuses and Re- recycles

Dirty Mike: Nate has never used a semicolon cause he doesn't half ass shit

ASAP Ross: He gets wish lists from Santa every year reading only THANKS FOR BUILDING  EVERY TOY

Dirty Mike:  The tooth fairy gave him a can of chew because he was born with immaculate adult teeth

Dirty Mike: Nate takes diamonds and turns them back into coal just so he can barbecue MEAT

Dirty Mike: Nate gambles on everything, luckily every bet he's ever made is a sure thing

Dirty Mike: When Eazy- E and ODB died Nate mourned the loss of two people he inspired

ASAP Ross: The super-collider was Nate's idea so they could collide Busch and Cope snuff into one perfect being

Dirty Mike: It (the super collider) didn't work though because Nate is one of a kind

Dirty Mike and ASAP Ross are two guys. Dirty Mike takes himself a lot more seriously than he should or than ASAP Ross does. You can follow them both at @ASAPRossy and @dirtymikessoup 

Every cloud has a Goldman lining....

Whether you have ever given much thought to it at all if i were to ask you to close your eyes, breathe deep and tell me what enters your happy place when you think of investment bankers from the likes of Goldman Sachs, the image you conjure up would probably have an uncanny resemblance to Christian Bale. In your minds eye Christian is probably discussing the finer nuances of his new business cards or feeding a date chocolate covered unrinal cakes. Well maybe thats just me but regardless it's not too much of a stretch to say you probably don't picture wholesome friendly guy.

Today Goldman Sachs Executive Directer Greg Smith resigned from his position but more importantly wrote this piece for the most prominent source of news ever to slowly but surely be rendered useless. It caused quite a stir. Big G unflinchingly talks shit about the way clients get talked about, treated and tricked by Goldman. He also whines about how the way Goldman is being run now is short-sighted and wrong. It's just not the vibrant cultural firm he started with that had the best interest of the client close to its heart. Makes sense, makes sense, whaaaat? Yeah, ok, in all fairness it is a little bit hard for most of us to believe that Goldman and other firms ever really had anything a close to their heart, or even a heart at all really.  We'll as this other New York Times article says maybe they didn't really but at least at some point they may have had longterm greediness that also would benefit the (presumably) greedy clients whereas now they are all about chutes and ladders greediness, straight up short cut stuff. Greg's op-ed piece clearly has dudes at other banks scrambling to figure out how to preempt their clients inevitable questioning about what (doesn't) make them different from Goldman. The best part for me thought was the enlightening bit about how clients are often referred to as these. Jason Segal wasn't available for comment.

Dirty Mike is a guy who has a limited amount of interest in a wide amount of topics. He likes being able to talk candidly about things he doesn't know that much about. He doesn't like onions. You can follow him at @dirtymikessoup

A time for Forgettance

In what I sincerely hope will be the last time I ever combine letters about Kony anything here is the response video made by the invisible children themselves. the purpose of this video was to dispel all of the generally negative criticism their KONY 2012 campaign has been receiving. I'll start by mentioning that it wasn't nearly as easy as I thought to find the video I had heard about yesterday, even after waiting till this morning to see if there was some sort of widespread response , particularly from cony supporters saying "booyah cynics, in your face" no such luck. I guess factual stuff, no matter where it comes from, just isn't quite as fun to make such a big deal about. below is the thankfully much shorter video...


As assumed yesterday, the disappearing kids really sidestepped around the general futility of their effort by merely insisting that this popular yet ineffective campaign strategy was their plan all along. Also they continue with their claims that "complete transparency has always been their goal" and that if you visit the website you can review all of their tax returns and shit. Ok fine, but that still doesn't explain why, according to a press release monday, the Better Business Bureau  has sent 18 letters requesting more information. 18 letters seems a little...well...much if complete transparency is your goal doesn't it?

If you want to know more about what I think about this shit you can read what I previously wrote in chronological order here and here.

In conclusion I really stopped caring about this last week/weekend sometime but I felt that I  had some sort of obligation to follow up, hopefully setting myself apart from the countless other bloggers that were annoyed like me and took to the interwebs to vent. Then again maybe i just hold onto things longer than a healthy person would. Oh and Kony jokes are so last monday, so don't make them anymore...

Dirty Mike is a guy that doesn't have anyone to talk to and as a result takes to his blog in an attempt to make victims out of unwitting readers. He likes kicking dead horses and beating things into the ground. He doesn't like new or original material, forming his own opinions or standing for something. You can make sure you don't follow him at @dirtymikessoup

Regurgitations a la Kony

Just when i thought we might all be in the clear and be able to stop hearing about this Kony nonsense the invisible children are at it again. This time in an effort to combat or at least address all the criticism the 30 minute "awareness" video that got so much unnecessary attention this time last week a hopefully more palatable 10 minute video is to be released later today.

Thats great that they will be addressing all the critics and cynics like me. Unfortunately it is likely to focus quite a bit on the transparency stuff and the how little money actually goes towards doing anything stuff,  most of which i already covered last week. I highly doubt that they will address my chief criticism that getting so much support to raise awareness of a bad guy is ultimately a waste of time.  Maybe my earlier thoughts on this subject can misread as "i don't care about Kony or stopping him or the bad stuff he has done" Thats not fair you guys. I care. Granted i  don't care in the way that i feel compelled to let everyone else know how much i care, but i do care. Not about Kony so much as just bad things happening to people in other countries in general. I don't think that taking down on Kony will do anything about the countless other Kony's out there and i don't think supporting Invisible Children is anyway to go about it, even if that was to some degree the "fix" If there was a bill to sign that would put him out of power, hell i would probably sign it, even though i still have a good deal of mis-givings about even that.

I really think a lot of peoples confusion could be easily cleared up if they took the time to learn a little about how bad things are for a lot of people in a lot of places, and how much worse things have been in other places. To start you could probably watch some videos about Liberia on Vice if learning history from like books or whatever doesn't sound like fun, I can't speak to this new video yet as it hasn't been releases but i will when it does, that much i promise you. Who knows i could have been missing the mark entirely this entire time but only time will tell, and as you know i hope it doesn't because i don't like being wrong.

Dirty Mike is a guy with a lot of strong albeit shitty opinions about things nobody cares about or everybody cares about. He writes everything on here unless otherwise noted. He likes controversy, bad jokes and Goodwill Hunting. He doesn't like that no-talent asshole Michael Bay. You can follow him at @dirtymikessoup

Ross's Cluttered Cubby Hole: INSTALLMENT II THE VERDICT

Recently I was generous enough to allow my friend Ross to add a new angle to the previously rather flat perspective of the my Soup, he wrote this in anticipation of Mass Effect 3's release, it made me laugh even though i will never even feign interest in mass effect unless thats slang for an STD or quick buzz. Well the game has arrived and so has the judge and jury.  He will be contributing as much as he sees hit from here on out. 

P.S. Today is his birthday, so happy born day Ross bong bong 

                  Most games start out with a pretty easy first level, somewhere away from the main plot, and by the beginning of the game you know how to overcome the villains and exactly how to do so. Not so much in Mass effect 3. Right off the bat your shit is all fucked.  The reapers are at earth and they are successfully gangbanging the entire world. There seems to be no way to kill them and they can kill us as easy as I can drink a four loko. You would think that it’s just setting a dark tone for the game, no; the tone it sets (literally) is that the chances are that you probably can’t beat them no matter what. And not in the way were you would be like “oh ya? Watch me.” Nope. Your best situation is to try and kill a few of them.

                  So this is the super soldier commander Shepard’s first plan of action: Get the fuck off of earth.

 I don’t blame him, but he is supposed to be a super badass. Capable of doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants as he fucking sees fit. The entire game you are going around helping other aliens who are also getting fucked up to come and help you get a little less fucked up.  You may notice my gratuitous use of the word “fuck” in this article. I am purely just trying to get the point across about how dire the situation is, and also I have an elementary vocabulary. But seriously, there is no bright light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone is getting completely annihilated. Commander Shepard’s plan might as well be trying to teach the reapers how to love.

                  Also the entire time Commander Shepard is being a complete douche to everyone around him. Incessantly stating how “we might have been ready if everyone just listened to me in the first 2 fucking games.” He has a point though, every time shit is about to go down and Shep predicts it like a mother fucking mind freak, the species of the galaxy don’t believe him, even though he was exactly right TWO fucking games in a row. Even when the reapers are destroying all this shit, you have to run around and convince everyone AGAIN, that your plan is the way to go. But at the same time I’m getting pretty tired of Hipster Shepard.  

                                                                        Ya we get it dude

And now in this game you can’t even explore solar systems cause the reapers will detect your supposedly “super stealthy secrets ship”. And they chase you relentlessly with their big ass insect asses. Oh I forgot to mention, the reapers are actually ships, who look like gigantic fucking bed bugs. The east coast was already fucked before the invasion. Also, they are complete assholes. There so called “job” is to kill every sentient being every 50,000 years, and it’s always been a cake walk for them. Get a real job you lazy mother fuckers. I work at sears, 5 days a week. Oh you got to get up for work in the next 50,000 years? You would think the most advanced race in the galaxy would have a much more important and certainly more helpful position. And yes they literally refer to it as their job. I don’t have time for this shit.

                  The thing that really pisses me off is that when all this shit pops off the entire galaxy collectively stares at Commander Shepard as if expecting him to jump off his ass and go save everybody again. Especially after you come across the fact that they relieved him of duty after the events of the second game, because he worked for a group of self-righteous assholes like PETA, who just so happened to bring him back to fucking life after he dies in the beginning of the second game. And everyone acts like he got off lucky. You ungrateful mother fucking assholes! Don’t you understand that he just saved the galaxy for a second time and I failed a class for your needy asses and now you are punishing this crazy cholo? Everyone is just lucky I come for the death and stay for the freaky alien sex. More to come when I complete the game.

By the way, your pilot is still joker, but now you have a pilot for your drop ship and he is totally gay. His husband died in the attack so its chill though. “I don’t have a problem with gay people I just don’t want them banging on my ship” –Commander Shepard.

Ross Reilly hates everyone in the Mass effect universe. You can find out very little about him on twitter @asaprossy